you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
