i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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