if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he puts the penis in happiness.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I got inside last night via doggy door
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
