I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
