I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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