i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.