broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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