I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
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dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
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Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.