Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number