I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
