After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
