I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize