saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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