so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
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I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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