I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
