When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
