he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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