So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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