Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
