Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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