fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just cropdusted the office
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
