so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
