I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
