Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays

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(334): View more from Alabama

How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(253): View more from Washington

When are you comin back?

(1-253): View more from Washington

probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.

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