I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
