We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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