i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
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I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
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You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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