Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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