woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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