i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
