I didn't shave. On purpose
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
