im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
