I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
