the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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