hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
