When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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