sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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