Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
