im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
