I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Randomize
