sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
