I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
