living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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