u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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