this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
