Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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