Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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