I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
