dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
These tits shall not be calmed
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
