you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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