you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
