His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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