and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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