i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
