Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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