I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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