I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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