I hate your face
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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