will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
