Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
