the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
