Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
